06 Feb You Get What Is Left Of Me.
It is a rare occasion my black SUV pulls out of our driveway without doting a backseat passenger.
I was meeting my girlfriends to celebrate a besties engagement.
As I’m backing out of the driveway, I’m doing a mental checklist as if my husband had never been home alone before with our three-year-old, or just parented in general. (He’s an amazing dad, of course he has, anxiety ugh!)
It took me half of the drive across town to get out of my head long enough to hear “there’s two, there’s four, there’s six, there’s eight..” playing in the backseat.
There was a day I wouldn’t have even left the driveway without the latest chart topping hit blaring on my radio but today I didn’t even notice Thomas and Friends was still playing from my son and my grocery trip earlier that day.
It wasn’t too long ago my friendships and personal life were everything.
They trumped academics, family time, boyfriends, life.
My world revolved around weekends and ended with terrible hangovers and tons of stories we’ll tell (or maybe not) for decades to come.
I was a GOOD friend.
Somedays, I wish I had that girl back, the carefree spirit that went wherever the wind blew her.
But it only lasts a minute before a loud “mommmmyyy” brings me back to reality. A world where we go on bear hunts, read the same books until we are blue, and snack time never ends. A life filled with sticky kisses, whole-hearted hugs, and never-ending nicknames and silly jokes.
Today, you get what’s left of me.
Today you get a sporadic texting and forgetful mess.
You get the in-betweens and maybe next times.
The last-minute cancels and are kids invited?
Not because I don’t care anymore but because I don’t have anything else left to give.
I give all day long.
I give to my son who literally needs me to survive let alone become a thriving and giving adult. To my husband who works his butt off for us and needs a safe harbor and happy home at the end of the day.
To my business who feeds my family and puts a roof over our head.
I give and give and rarely get back in this stage of life.
But just because I spend my days giving someone half my size all my energy doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.
It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be there for you.
It means I need to take more than I can give right now.
It means I need to lean on you like you did me when your heart was broken or when you started your new career after moving hours away.
It means my cup isn’t full and is constantly drained.
Those tiny little drops at the bottom I desperately cling to, trying to find the little bit of myself down there to keep me alive and sane.
This is my crazy season.
So, while it may seem like I don’t need you, that’s simply not true.
I need you to not need me. To just be there when I get a free night to catch up and be carefree. To pretend like we never missed a beat.
To understand I don’t love you less in this period of life but just don’t have as much time to love myself.
Every day, I put myself last and you’re a part of me.
A part that one day I will start finding more time for and I will need you to help me while I find myself again. To pull me back up on my feet.
So today, I hope you understand that you and I both get what is left of me.
And right now, it’s not that damn much.